Holidays, Holidays, Holidays! What more do I need to say? Time change, time change, time change! What more do I need to say? I need a little more sunshine on these long sad nights. Well Brent and I have struggled tremendously since Halloween. The things that happened on Halloween were unbearable. We were prepared to be sad but not to hurt so much. Anyways, I have learned so much through Hayden’s process. I have said it once and I will say it again; our close group friends have been our backbone. Even strangers have given us more strength than imaginable.

Tonight, I spoke to a girl I knew from Washington School. She was a few classes older than me. We do not know each other that well. She informed me that she has always loved looking at pictures of Hayden. We briefly began to talk about the holidays. She said, “I’m sure it’s hard. I can’t imagine how hard it is, but I’m sure the holidays in Heaven are so much better than anything he could experience here. Can you imagine how big the Thanksgiving table will be where he is and the millions of Christmas lights and decorations he’ll get to see? He’ll get to be with Jesus on his birthday!” I cried happy tears after receiving this message. I cry happy tears again as I type it. I hope it gives each person that is reading my blog that has lost a child or family member this year a sense of HOPE and a sense of UNDERSTANDING that HEAVEN is so much better than EARTH during the HOLIDAYS.

It makes me feel selfish. Why do I want him here so bad? Why do I want him to come back to Earth where he dealt with 50 plus seizures daily and was completely dependent on me? Why would I want him to leave Heaven where he is at peace, pain free, and 4 days shy of 3 months seizure free? I guess it is because I am so eager to see my chunky monkey again. I am so eager for the day I can hear him say “Mommy” for the first time.

Hayden went 11 weeks seizure free last fall. He broke this seizure free moment on Thanksgiving. He seized all day and this only got worse during the Christmas Holidays. I was devastated. I was crushed. My friends tried so hard to buy him toys for Christmas. I bought him so many myself. I pretended that he was using them. I am not sure if this is called NIAVE or HOPEFUL. Last Thanksgiving, I had to mix 3 ounces milk, 2 tablespoons cereal, and a half jar of banana’s to make him eat. I was naive against needing the feeding tube. I was determined to feed him. So ALL in ALL even though we had a great Holiday season last year, Hayden was tired and hurting.

This year, Hayden will eat mashed potatoes and pecan pie. He will celebrate with the biggest cake of all time. He will sing Happy Birthday JESUS. He will walk around and actually have the ability to play with toys. Even though, I selfishly want him here. I truly understand that Hayden is the lucky one. He is the one that gets to sing Happy Birthday, eat cake, and play with an abundance of toys.  We might not have a room full of toys in our home this holiday season but we will shop for Hayden’s friends at Batson.

God Bless Each Family that Has to Experience the Holiday’s with their children this year.

Lastly, thank you to each person who has already sent gifts for the Batson Toy Drive in memory of Hayden and Ava Grace.

“Lord, please…. From the depths of my heart I cry out to you.  I’m trying to find my way. The road is rough. Despair is lurking nearby. Will I stand or fall? Break down or be strong? Will this pain ever cease?” Jill KellyJ