Holidays without Hayden

Well from the beginning, I have promised one thing in my blog. The one promise is honesty. SO TODAY MANY OF YOU ARE WONDERING HOW WE ARE DOING?

I would like to start by saying with 70,000 viewers, my blog is not just for my community. It is to help  many families suffering from deaths of babies just like us. In fact, my main focus is to help people that are like “us” now. I do not plan on discontinuing my blog anytime soon. The reason being is it is helping people as far as Australia cope with rare diseases similar to Hayden’s. My blog is reaching out to many families of children that have passed into Heaven.

How did Brent and I do with our first holiday?  Well many people can answer this question because you called, texted, emailed, and even sent cards to us. We did not expect for Halloween to be very difficult. Unfortunately, it was devastating. Halloween is supposed to be a day with family. Instead it was us with friends. We miss Hayden. We miss keeping him involved. Every time, we talked today sadness would fill our hearts.  We were filled with grief and sadness throughout the day. I know Hayden was pretty sad in Heaven. He never wanted his mommy and daddy to be sad. He watches down on us each day. He hopes that we will smile, stay positive, and continue his legacy. Unfortunately, today was a day where sadness over flowed throughout our hearts. We were filled with hurt, anger, grief, and so much more.

The one thing that I would like to say is thank you to each person that constantly checks on us. Hayden wants us to be strong. Your courage, quotes, pictures, and calls have reminded us that Hayden has inspired many.

As we begin to cope with the holiday season, I hope you are ready. Amy, Bryan, Brent and myself have some big exciting news of how we are going to continue the legacy of Ava Grace and Hayden throughout the Holiday Season. We have many friends that will be very excited to help. We will be blogging about it together in the next few weeks. We love helping others. We look forward to getting each of you involved. I would much rather disappear until January. I would much rather hibernate so I could stay strong and positive. Unfortunately, we have work to do. We have children just like Hayden and Ava Grace that deserve a smile this Christmas season. We look forward to sharing more with each of you in the upcoming weeks. I know Hayden and Ava Grace will work in each of your hearts to participate.

God is GOOD all the TIME no MATTER WHAT! 

“Who can live like this? Life seems so empty and meaningless. I feel hollow and lost. Where can I find life and hope? Everywhere I look I am reminded of what used to be. Not a day goes by that I don’t ponder this life and love of yesterday.” Jill Kelly

The truth is Brent and I miss Hayden. We miss every small thing about his precious body.  We often wonder are we going to be okay. The truth is life will never be the same. I mean we were given the ability to be the parents to an Earth Angel. We are going to continue to have good days and bad days. The days are not stopping for us as we grieve. We still have to go on with work and daily routines whether it is a good or bad day. This is definitely a bittersweet thing. My heart will never be the same. We will never “get over it.” We will always be missing our number one.

God is not done with Hayden yet. Hayden is just sitting in Jesus’ lap watching Brent and I complete each of his duties. So, I have to remember most children lie and disrespect. Hayden was so PERFECT.  He never lied nor disrespected us. WE ARE BLESSED. Hayden always went along with the flow. WE ARE LUCKY. Hayden was an EARTH ANGEL.  WE WERE TRUSTED BY GOD WITH HIS DELICATE SON. WE ARE PROUD. Now, Hayden is gone. We cry each day. Are we supposed to move forward? Are we supposed to forget of him? NOOOO because God is not done using Hayden.

Brent and I will continue to help families of special needs children. I look forward to getting involved in the Special Olympics. If you know a family with a special needs child, please do not be afraid. They deserve love too! Help these precious families out. These children go through more in a day than many people do in a month. They definitely deserve love and respect. I have heard so many times that people don’t know what to say. Well if you know one of these type people, remind them that a simple text, card, or hello can make the days to families like us. We are normal human beings too. Families with sick/handicap children deserve to feel the love, prayers, and support of others. If you would normally turn your back, take a moment and think of someone to help.  I promise you we all know someone with a handicap family member, illness, autistic child, etc. HELP THEM OUT! Trust me, if you were in these families’ shoes you would understand. They deserve it! Brent and I will continue to raise awareness and money for Palliative Care and Blair Batson. Without each of these wonderful organizations, we would definitely be grey headed. If you need help feeling blessed go visit the hospital. Hunter’s Hope is a foundation for Leukodystrophy’s similar to Hayden. Brent and I cannot wait to help them bring awareness to these horrific diseases. March of Dimes: AWARENESS, AWARENESS, AWARENESS! Little to say these are just a few of the ways Brent and I are continuing Hayden’s legacy. We will continue to believe and have HOPE for Hayden and all the kids in the world.  I am slightly over whelmed with all of the responsibilities that we are taking on but it is all about helping children and families of children like Hayden. Hayden will remind us to “just breathe.” He will remind us by sending signs of dimes and butterfly’s to say well done mommy/daddy. If any of you are interested in getting in on raising awareness or helping kids like Hayden, we look forward to you helping us. We will be doing GIFT CARDS for restaurants near the hospital for Batson for Christmas. We LOVE the families that are so similar to us.

Brent and I are clinging to each other, hope, and faith. God picked us for a reason. We will continue to use this journey as a positive blessing. We will continue to believe in Miracles. After all, Hayden received one. He is pain and seizure free. Hayden’s chubby cheeks and blonde curls are skipping over rocks in Heaven.  Thank you for your faithful prayers.

Holiday Time

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if things were different? Do you ever wish you could have something that you cannot have? Well here it is… the holidays are approaching. This weekend has been terrible. I loved Holidays with Hayden. He had seven smocked Halloween/harvest outfits. He also had 3 Halloween costumes. The moral of the story today is grieving during the holidays is terrible. You WISH you could have one more Halloween with him. Unfortunately, in reality I do understand that you would always want just one more. The holidays are going to be different. Everybody gets so excited about trick or treating, class parties, Halloween movies and the list goes on. What am I suppose to do without Hayden for Halloween? Well we are going to plant flowers at the cemetery. He will have the prettiest grave in Greenville. He was our sunshine. He was everything in our eyes. It has been two months but it seems like an eternity. We cry. We hurt. We have days where we struggle to breathe.

Then I question, what if God would have allowed Hayden one more set of Holidays? What would it be like? He was getting so big. Would he be in a wheelchair? Would he be on continuous O2? Would he need to be deep suctioned even more? Would he be having 100 plus seizures a day? Bless our poor angel’s heart. He was so strong. He endured so much pain each day. Yet, he still smiled and cooed. We are going to remember to that Hayden is walking, giggling, and talking. He is learning all of the “in’s and out’s” of heaven so he can teach us one day. We will be able to spend eternity with our precious pumpkin.

I walk through Wal-Mart to see people complaining about having to buy costumes, candy, etc for their kids. Well, I just wish everyone realized to count each day as a special blessing. Nobody is promised tomorrow. I would do anything to buy one more bag of candy, and one more costume. Be THANKFUL that you are given the opportunity to spend a holiday with your precious family. Take photos, paint pumpkins, and enjoy each moment. Life can change in a year. Life can change in a way that makes breathing difficult. So make each moment count. Love your family unconditionally. I am so thankful for a son that taught me real life morals. I am so thankful for a son that allowed us the ability to realize what is important in life. I am so thankful for a husband that is going to be my backbone as we struggle to breathe throughout the holiday season. All will be good in the end because we will spend eternity with our child in Heaven one day.

“Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9B

arts/crafts

Special moments are so much more important than winning a lottery. Special moments with your children are things that will last a lifetime. I must admit sadness is far from leaving our hearts. We are devastated. The rainy cool fall days are so depressing. It makes us miss our little angel just that much more. The one thing that I can say is memories will get us through the weak moments. No, you do not have to be creative to have fun with art. I will treasure my Hayden art work on the good days but importantly the bad days.

Clayful Impressions and Red Leaf Pottery helped us receive many lasting impressions. I wear my jewelry from Clayful Impressions daily so I can feel his precious thumbprint. I am so glad she is coming to Greenville twice this month. Everyone that has appointments will treasure her work more than a diamond necklace. My kitchen is full of Red Leaf. I love my “Art frame.” We trade his work out weekly. I am so thankful to have made art for all of the upcoming holidays.

Enjoy moments with washable paint! Arts and crafts with sweet angels is just another way to treasure each moment as they growJ I must admit Hayden was a hard working artist!

“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. –Psalm 139:14”

We will continue to hold onto all of the memories made to keep us “breathing.” I must say I am so THANKFUL God gave us the ability to use pinterest and creativity to enjoy many bonding moments with our angel.

Believing in the power of prayer to restore our strength.

Well it is almost Hayden’s 16 month birthday. So I know many of you are beginning to wonder how Brent and I are doing. Well, the truth is we are transitioning. Unfortunately, it is not too good. I have always spoken the truth in our blog. I will continue to speak the truth in our blog. I was SOOO busy as soon as Hayden passed that we never really had a moment to stop breathing. We just kept on being strong for Hayden. We kept on looking at signs from Hayden. We are continuing to look at Hayden signs. Hayden comes in the signs of dimes and butterflies. I LOVE my sweet man.

                The company is slowing down. The calls and messages are back to normal.  The mail is back to normal. The flowers are dead. The house is clean again. The grass is beginning to grow over the grave. I have gone back to work. Okay, so life should be normal again???? Well, I wish it was that easy. Unfortunately, we are missing the most important thing in life, our little boy.

                Yes, I know people are trying to move on. Look at your children. Look at the love you have for them. Imagine life without them. It is a thought that most people cannot even fathom. I would not wish our pain on anyone. I wish that Hayden was lying on my chest right now. I LOVE our sweet angel.

                The one thing that is keeping us from shutting down is our faith in Christ and each other. I love my husband more than anything. He is the only reason that God ever blessed me with sweet Hayden. We have memories that nobody can compare too. We are continuing to hold on to the power of prayer. We are continuing to visualize our next day with Hayden. It will be the most glorious day in the world. I cannot wait to see him again one day. Someone wrote today saying that Hayden had the prettiest curls in heaven. His hair was that of silk. I can only smile as I visualize this.

                Brent and I went to the beach. We saw hundreds of butterflies. They were flying on the beach. We saw wild sunflowers growing in the sand. We saw a dove in the sunset. All of these things are signs from Hayden. Hayden has been coming in the way of dimes for awhile now with my mother. In the past week, I am finding mysterious dimes in random places. WOW, that is my HAYHAY! Brent is seeing sunflowers throughout the camp as he works from daylight to sunset. It is just all so magical. God is the most amazing person in the world. Heaven is the most spectacular place. I am so thankful to know that our child is no longer suffering. I am so thankful to know that he can walk, talk, run, and is seizure free. We never got to experience the normal. Thankfully, I know that Hayden is now experiencing the normal. This is something that makes me smile.

                Hayden has saved marriages. Hayden has made people get baptized. Hayden has made my husband and me strong believers in the word of Jesus. He was truly a missionary. I am truly proud of his job on Earth. Sadly, as times slow down the weakness begins to occur. The strength seems to disappear. What is next in our lives? What are we supposed to do now? So many questions, so many worries.  I have not slept in weeks. Our bodies are exhausted. Our brains are hurting. We are continuing to remember to JUST BREATHE. Please keep Brent and I in your prayers as each of you begin to celebrate all of the upcoming holidays with friends and family. Hayden was the KING of holidays. I know he will be the KING of Holidays in HEAVEN.

                Lastly, thank you to everyone that has used their own money to make donations in Hayden’s memory. You are saving the lives’ of children from across the State. Batson, St. Jude, and Arkansas Children’s are just a few of the many places where donations have been made for Hayden. YOU are saving the lives’ of many children with this simple gift. We will never be able to thank each of you enough. Our journey is just beginning. We have hundreds of RARE diseases in this world without a cure. For the ones of you that know me and Brent, Hayden gave us his strength. We will continue to support and have HOPE for all the parents fighting similar battles. We are going to FIGHT for the lives of hundreds of kids in the hospitals around the world. We BELIEVE in PRAYER. WE BELIEVE in MIRACLES. WE still have HOPE for HAYDEN. I firmly believe whether home, heaven, or a hospital, God is going to take care of each of his angels. I will forever give my thanks to him for allowing us to be the parents of an angel.

Brent and I have been faced with more than I wish ANY of our friends to ever deal with during the past month. The word DEATH when dealing with a child is so much more than that of an adult. I remember talking to our hospice nurse one day. The difference is an adult has had opportunities. They have completed their goals here on Earth. We can find peace in death of adults so much easier. The problem is how do you understand the word Death when dealing with a child? In reality, we all believe that God will take us before our children. That is the way life is suppose to go. Parents are NOT supposed to bury their children. Unfortunately, all parents are not as blessed with this opportunity.

                Brent and I fall into the category of not being blessed with this opportunity. We miss our Earth Angel Hayden SOOOO much. What are we supposed to do now? Are we supposed to hate each other? Be mad at God? We have had so many people ask us if we are angry. We started from the beginning only associating ourselves with positive and loving people. Yes, we had to bury our own son. I WOULD NOT trade our last 14.5 months for anything in the world. We had the best and most caring friends and family to walk by our side. The truth is Brent and I are so blessed that God chose us to be the parents to a Heavenly Angel. How many people can say their child was perfect? Literally, Hayden never lied to me or BrentJ I mean our child was PERFECT. The only problem with Hayden is the word pain. He was enduring too much pain to stay here on Earth with us. I learned throughout this process that Brent and I are both the most UNSELFISH people in the world. We made every decision based upon what was best for Hayden. Unfortunately, all of these decisions seemed to hurt us the most. I begged God to allow Hayden to not suffer. I begged God to allow Brent and I to make decisions based on what was best for Hayden not ourselves. God fulfilled our wishes.

                So what should we do now? I have heard so many people say that they were angry with God or their spouse after the death of a loved one. Brent and I are the complete opposite. We are holding each other closer now than ever. We are thanking God for allowing us 14.5 months with Hayden. I am looking at all of the memories made and smiling. We lived each day to the fullest. We have zero regrets. Now, our main goal is to make sure that we continue to praise God, look at his signs, and thank him for trusting us with his special child. We are hoping to become some of the hospitals largest supports. We are hoping to give the word HOPE a new meaning for sick kids. We are HOPING to grow in our relationship with Christ so we can know that we will continue to stay on the correct path to see Hayden again soon. We are not going to allow anybody or anything to change our ability to thank God for each moment with Hayden.

                No I do not want anyone to stop talking about Hayden. We are proud of Hayden. After all, he had the most beautiful lips. He smiled the sweetest smile. He inspired people all over the world. He had hair of silk. Me oh my! I bet it is shinning in Heaven. Hayden was our PERFECT angel. He never even got the opportunity to lie to us. We hope that our friends and family always remember and talk about him. We hope that God continues to use Hayden to establish more Christ bound relationships. We decided at the beginning to allow all negativity out of our life. We are looking forward to living life a day at a time for Hayden.

                Some days, I cry all day. Literally, Saturday was terrible. I cried at the cemetery for three hours. I was missing our “arts and craft” time so I painted and sang at the cemetery to him. Yes, you can call me crazy. Every squirrel, rabbit, bird, and butterfly is now named Hayden. I talked to them like they were my own son. Finally, Brent came to rescue me. He knows just as much as I do that Hayden does not want us to cry and suffer. We begged him to “just breathe” in the last 10 hours of life. He is now reminding us to “just breathe”   Some days are perfect. You see Hayden is showing us signs to get us through all of this. First, he has made sure our close friends and family have kept a close check on us. He is making sure that friends pick us up when we are down. Hayden is showing us so many signs that make us look forward to living our life through Christ so we can see him one day soon. We have a beautiful beach to visit. We have rocks to skip. We have a baseball to throw. Unfortunately, reality says Brent and I are stuck on Earth without Hayden right now. Pictures and memories are all we have until our time to go to Heaven. While we are still on Earth, we are looking forward to continuing the HOPE for HAYDEN legacy for other families of ASLD, kids of Batson, and loving each other. These are the things that Hayden would want for us to do.

In a daily devotional book that mom was given after Hayden passed away, we went to see what August 16 said. Read the following and then tell me if you believe God was waiting with open arms for Hayden. Ironic or a sign from Hayden?  I believe that this is Hayden telling us that God was waiting with open arms. I believe the last section is him explaining that we will be okay.

“Meet me in the Early morning splendor. I eagerly await you here. In this stillness of this holy time with me, I renew your strength and saturate you with Peace.  While others turn over for extra sleep or eagerly tune in for the latest news, you commune with the Creator of the universe. I have awakened in your hearts strong desire to know me.  The longing originated in knowing me, though it now burns brightly in you. When you seek my face in response to My Love-call both of us are blessed. This is a deep mystery, designed more for your enjoyment than your understanding. I am not a dour God who discourages pleasure. I delight in your enjoyment of everything that is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable. Think of these things and my light will shine brighter day by day.”

Another sign is the DOVE. Brent woke me up one morning around 6. A baby dove was sitting on our front porch. He was not scared of us. He allowed us to take pictures before flying back into the heavens.  We have also seen birds at the cemetery. One day, one tried to get in the carJ Read the following: Do you believe this is Hayden telling us to stay strong? I do!

Oh, that I had wings like a dove. I would fly away, and be at rest.
– Psalms 55.6

Since ancient times, in many different cultures, the white dove with its grace, strength and beauty has come to represent purity, peace, and that imperishable part of the human being – the soul.

The dove is held close to the heart...a prayer whispered... a blessing asked...and then tossed in the air, the dove takes flight and slowly vanishes into the heavens... carrying hope.

This exaltation of doves brings about closure. It is a powerful visual expression that leaves one with the sense of release. The mournful rejoice...the stoic finally weep.

A handler in appropriate attire will bring the doves to the service or interment and help arrange the release. Family members may choose to hand release the doves and we will assist with this.

Read more about the doves at www.dovesaflight.com

So all in all! We are very proud of our opportunity to be the parents to Hayden. YES, WE ARE DEVASTATED. We are having terrible days. We are crying enough to flood the Mississippi River. No, we are not going to allow it to get in the way of our love for each other. No, we are not going to be angry with God. We are going to praise and thank God for allowing us such an incredible opportunity. Thank you God for allowing us the opportunity to develop more memories in 14 months than most do in a lifetime. We definitely learned to make every moment count. We will always treat each day as our last. We will always put family first. We will always trust and love our Mighty God that gave us such an incredible opportunity to be parents.

   

                                             Love at first sight, only got stronger.......

We made it to his first birthday! Thanks to each of your prayers!

 We had "school" daily! Arts and Crafts are a perfect daily remember of our blessing on Earth....

He worshipped his amazing daddy.

He celebrated every month with a cake as we never knew which month would be his last.

He even had the Easter Bunny come to his 10 month birthday.....

 His rainbow birthday was his last Earth Birthday. He was beginning to look pretty tired. I bet Heaven gave him a huge 15 month party.....

He gave out party favors that will hold as a memory in everyone's heart. ....

He loved his mommy dearly. He lights  up my world......

 We enjoyed the outdoors with our little "sunshine."

 We have friends that loved Hayden every step of the way.....

 He had a father that most kids would dream of having. Simply Amazing.....

 Thank you Pinterest for helping Hayden and I be creative instead of lazy.....

Hayden loved his craft time with mommy. He was just a tad bit sleepy in this picture. Okay, I think he was saying mommy, let's take a break!

 He was the best dresssed child in the Delta. He even slept in smocked and appliqued clothing:)

 He had a cousin that loved him dearly.....

 A family that loved him more than life itself......

A Nana wrapped around his finger.  ....

 The Generals number one fan!

 Celebrated monthly birthdays! A huge one at six months....

Half a cake and a car full of toys to donate to Batson.....

 and more birthdays.....

 beach trips with his grands at paradise.....

 more everlasting memories.....

 so many men in his life that loved him dearly....

 even went to his uncle's first event as a senior....

 more beach trips....

 smiles at lunch with mommy and daddy...

 our last picture on Earth as a family of three.... Until Heaven we shall meet again...

 his friends believe and continue to have HOPE for HAYDEN.....

ALL IN ALL I AM PROUD OF THE ACCOMPLISHMENTS, WE HAVE MADE IN THE PAST 14 MONTHS. WE ARE BEGINNING A NEW JOURNEY. WE WILL CONTINUE TO LIVE EACH DAY FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES IN A WAY THAT HAYDEN WOULD BE PROUD. THANK YOU LORD FOR KEEPING US BUSY MAKING TONS OF MEMORIES WITH HAYDEN! WE ARE PROUD AND BLESSED!