Wow! Thank goodness the weekend is over! We had a lot to do this weekend. I usually look forward to busy things. Sadly, I am starting to dread them. It’s just one of those things that you will never understand unless you are placed in our shoes. Everybody surrounding you has things in common; everybody around you is chasing kids and having fun. You sense the whispers and thoughts running through heads as they notice you looking at them when they start talking. It’s overly exhausting. I try to keep an upbeat attitude. I try to stay happy. I try my hardest to be the best mother in the world. Unfortunately, when somebody puts me in a “mood” I get down. When I get down it is hard to get up. Sadly, I was placed in a “mood” this weekend. I was angry and mad all weekend. I need a break occasionally. I need a break from reality just like the “normal” moms and dads do! That’s why I am fixing to get a much needed break to the beach with my mom, grandma, and Hayden!
Luckily, I ran across my friend Jolene’s blog. It was about sadness. WOW JOLENE, I feel like you wrote this blog for ME. This link is to her blog: http://ashleyhopeallen.blogspot.com/ you see Jolene is from Canada and she is my rock. She knows more about ASLD then most Doctors. ASLD affected two of her children. She did an awesome job raising these children. Being told her children would never live past infancy was a total CRUSH to her as it is us. I believe her attitude is what allowed them to live to age 4 and 6. Jolene sends me messages weekly checking on Hayden. She feels tears in her eyes as she reads my blog because she feels that it is her story all over. She truly hates that I am walking in her shoes. Jolene has given me a lot of advice in the past. I truly believe that her advice is why I have such a positive attitude. I cannot allow myself to get in a slump because Hayden can sense my sadness. I am not going to be sad because I am blessed with a beautiful day and a beautiful child. I have no time to be sad. I have a job to do. My job is to keep on being the best mother in the world to my special child. I often have thoughts going through my head. I often wish Brent and I could go on dates. I wish I could go to the movies without my phone on loud. I wish I could be a normal 26 year old. Then as I read Jolene’s blog I realize that I can throw all of those wishes out of the window. I have way more to do in life than silly things like that. I get to be the care taker, mom, and best friend of an Earth Angel. I get a little piece of Heaven while here on Earth. God picked US to take care of his angel whether it is for a year, 5 years, or ten. He CHOSE us! Why would I have any room to be sad? I can’t be sad! I must celebrate and thank God for choosing us. I must hide the tears and have a blast! I will have plenty of time to be sad in the future. Luckily, I cannot be said while Hayden is on Earth with me. I have to get busy giving him thousands of opportunities. I can guarantee you Hayden has done more in his 10 months of life then most children do in a childhood. I am officially going to do as Jolene says and avoid sadness. I agree that if I am sad, I am going to be angry.
I do not want people to believe that Poor Lauren is always sad. My sadness is also because of Hayden. I am sad because he is sick. I am sad because I am watching my child get worse. I am sad that I cannot do the “normal” things with Hayden. My mom tells me often that Hayden doesn’t want me to be sad. She reminds me that Hayden loves me. I might sound confident but Hayden LOVES HIS MOMMY! He loves my chest! He loves to look into my soul! Hayden makes me Happy! Hayden makes me smile! Hayden is my EVERYTHING! So why am I going to use him as a source of sadness? Nothing about Hayden makes me sad. I love him just the way he is! God never gives you more than you can handle. God knows that Brent and I can handle this. I do not HATE anyone but I have a new enemy. The enemy is called sadness. I am going to keep Mr. Sadness out of my life. I hear so often that I am so strong. Well what am I supposed be weak? Nah! I have a life to celebrate!