Wow, I promised to continue to blog. I promised to Hayden that I would continue his legacy. I want a cure for rare diseases, more support for the hospital, more positive attitudes, and to help families of tragedies. I have so much to do that my mind is spinning. I have so much to share that I don’t know where to start. I am trying to remember breathing for the moment. Do I go back to school to be a nurse? A counselor? Do I write a book about coping with death? What about a children’s book? Do I begin a fundraiser for the hospital? What do I do?
Hayden was our angel. Not many people understand what we encountered on a daily basis. Most “new” moms get to complain about no free time, no sleep, ahhh no time to their selves. Well Hayden had to be suctioned 10- 20 times an hour, fed via tube every 3 hours; monitor went off throughout the night. If we went anywhere I would have to take 02, suction, and many more supplies. Only our close friends experienced the challenges Hayden had. The “face book” friends and followers just don’t have a clue. I am dealing with anger. Why? I do not know. Hayden is so much better. Hayden is pain free. Hayden needs no more needles. OMGOODNESS! He is walking! I cannot get over the friends that betrayed us. I cannot get over the people that leave when times are tough but come back when times are at the worse. Why is this? I do not know. Why is it hurting my soul so bad? I mean the people that stuck by our side are the most amazing people ever. Why am I dealing with anger of the people that chose the better end of the deal? The people that chose to expect me to come to them vs. coming to us. I am guessing this is the devil trying to put us down. No it is not going to happen. I refuse. We have the BEST Friends in the world. I do not care about anybody in the world except for the friends and family that stuck by us for the entire 14. 5 months.
Our friends have already been visiting Hayden. They have been over hours each day. They are amazing. We are blessed. I have learned so much through this past weekend. I hope that I can continue to help the sick. I hope that I will never betray friends in tough times. I hope that I can be as awesome as our amazing friends. I am so sorry viewers but our group of friends is the best. No questions asked.
How are we doing? Well do you want me to be honest or lie? Well I am going to be honest. I smiled as I threw away his medicines and feeding tubes. I smiled as I mailed off a shipment of supplies, diapers, wipes, and a prayer cross to another Leukodystophy family. So yes I have smiled. Our friends have been by our side. We have been enjoying some good afternoons. We have had fun. Until they leave. I love my husband but it is not the same. We are a team with Hayden. We are missing our main player. I am devastated. My heart is crushed. I feel like going on a shopping spree. I feel I deserve it. Yet, I don’t want anything for myself. I want my baby back. I want him in my arms. I want that one last artwork. I want that one last kiss. Just Breathe Mommy Breathe. Life is back to normal for all around us. Brent and I well were just chilling. We are in shock. We are devastated. No life is not good. No I have not talked to many people. No I am not okay. I lost my world last week. I want my world back.
I will begin a blogging series on HOPE, FAITH, COURAGE, & LOVE. I will continue to share moments from the funeral and tree planting ceremony. We are going to get through this. I believe in MIRACLES AND HOPE. I believe Hayden received both. He is talking, smiling, running, jumping, and playing. I bet that blonde Hair looks like silver silk. Thank You Lord for allowing us to be the parents to the most amazing Earth Angel in the world.
The words of encouragement, the donations to Batson, the food, the love, and the friendship are amazing. We could not have done any of this without you. I am asking you pray that I get over the negative worries of the betrayed. I ask you pray that we forget worrying about that, my heart is aching. Pray that we only worry about the friends and family that cared. I pray that you ask God to lead us in the correct direction. Whether it is to go sky diving, jump off a mountain, go back to school, or just to continue being Hayden’s missionary. I beg that you pray for strength. I just want to hug and hold my little baby one more time. I just want to Breathe without tears. At this moment it is not happening. Thank you to our friends that have not taken off their hope bracelets. Hayden received so much hope. I love you baby boy. The Mississippi Delta has truly shown their support throughout the past five days. Ya’ll rock!
Coming soon….. The beginning of our new journey with the planting of Hayden’s tree…..
Sleep well, hug your loved ones, smile, enjoy, and remember to live each day as your last. I woke up last Wednesday with no clue it would be Hayden’s last. Please remember life can change quickly.
I just want to give you a hug sweet Lauren! :( Your strength through all of this has AMAZED me! I know life is different for you now. Mom and I were discussing the other day, "What can we do for them?" We know the only thing you want someone to "do" is bring your baby back. I pray for you daily. Every seizure medication I dispense reminds me of Hayden. Every prescription I get from a physician at a Batson clinic reminds me to pray for a cure for rare diseases. I wish I could say something to comfort you. I believe in HOPE which breeds FAITH, I believe in FAITH which breeds LOVE, I believe in LOVE. I believe KNOWLEDGE breeds RESEARCH which brings about CURES.
ReplyDeleteWell I really dont know you have no clue what you have been though . Only know the story though a friend but I do know that you have taught me to cherrish my 5 and 2 yr girls(thank god healthy) like tomorrow is my last day with them. I am very sorry for you and your husbands lost. And your story wants me to help the children who have diseases. I wanted a bracelet but didnt have the money. (husband and I are jobless) I dont know how it feels to lose a child and imagine its horrible. But I wanted to tell you thanks for the words of hope and love . Especally that god is love and cares. (yes ive struggled with friends that dont wanna stick around as well its not easy). But good luck with your new journey in life . Thanks for your encourging words.
ReplyDeleteLauren you are a inspiration to me and many others. I don't know what your going through but I pray for you daily. I loved seeing pics of that precious baby boy. I can only imagine how he's smiling, playing, jumping and running having the best days ever in heaven. Y'all have one awesome lil angel watching over you. I know that God will protect yall and help you make the best decision. I'll be praying for strength, comfort and guidance.
ReplyDeleteLauren- we will continue to pray everyday for you, Brent and your family! You have shown us all what it means to be a mother! You never complained and always had a smile on your face! You are true inspiration to us all! I pray you find strength in each day and HOPE your days get easier with time! Hayden is smiling down on y'all and will always be by your side holding your hand as you decide what to do in the next chapter! You are strong Lauren but even the strongest break down! From all the pictures I have seen you seem to have an amazing family and awesome friends! Lean on them! That's what they are there for! Thank you for allowing us to follow Hayden! He has shown us all to believe in miracles and HOPE for the best!
ReplyDeleteLauren- You will be amazing at whatever you decide to do. I can imagine that a nurse would be the perfect job. You would care for each child like a their mother would. You could give advice and comfort because you have been in their shoes. If you decide to teach again, I know you will do it well! Let the Lord guide you. He is the only one that knows that BIG PLAN for you and Brent. You will continue to miss your sweet baby everyday. I think that you are looking at your anger as a negative thing. I think it is your way of healing! Your heart has been broken. You do what is needed to heal. Your focus has been on Hayden for the past 14.5 months. You did an amazing job! It encouraged me to be the best mom I can be! You and Brent need to focus on each other! Heal together! My prayers are still with you and your family! I read the penny story about your friends a while back. The one where they pray for Hayden every time they find a penny. I have not been able to look at a penny without thinking of him. Your baby will always be remembered as a fighter even by those of us that never got to meet him.
ReplyDeleteJane Clare
Lauren,
ReplyDeleteI heard about Hayden up here in Ohio. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. To be sure, he is in a much better place, a place where he is whole and complete and free from pain and disease. A place where you will see him again. And a place where God's glory in him has been made complete.
Please know that my wife Maggie and I are praying for you up here in the far away wintry north. And Hayden (and your family) have taught me so much, information that will not be forgotten, but passed on to future students and residents as well as used to comfort other familes with journey's like yours and Hayden's.
Please send my best to Brent and your families. We will continue to pray that Jesus will be your comfort during this time. Thank you for sharing your Hayden with me.
God Bless
Brad Ingram
Lauren,
ReplyDeleteI come to you so meekly because I feel that I don't have the right to offer you any advice seeing that I've never been in your shoes before. But if I could just say a couple of things... It would be Hayden's greatest honor if you would grieve. It is the most important part to healing. Allow yourself to feel, hurt, suffer, cry, and fall apart. But also remember, that he would be most proud of you for loving his father, your husband. For you and him, along with God, are the reason for your angel on earth. You entered the covenant of marriage with your husband above all the rest. It's going to be a beautiful journey getting to know him all over again and remember why you fell in love and created a child. When you two stand united together for the rest of your lives, you will be honoring your son in the greatest way possible. Raising awareness, writing books, and helping others are magnificent things to fill your lives with. But your husband comes before all else, and I admire the both of you for staying together to see your child enter this world and leave it. God will bless you both magnitudes for doing everything in your power with the job he blessed you with of caring for your son. You can say you did, and you did it with all your body, heart, mind, and soul. I admire you both for the love of your child to all that you could to make his life on this earth as wonderful as it could be. May we all take a lesson from you. Don't hold your head to the ground for he can not see your beautiful face. Hold it up to the sky and know his love showers down upon you. With love and hugs, may God bless the journey of life you have left and face it with the same ambition, pride, strength, and power you did with your son's journey.
Dear Lauren,
ReplyDeleteplease find peace in Hayden returning to heaven. You won't find the answers your looking for just yet you need to grieve, breathe and just be still for a while. You have just been through the most heart ache any one could imagine so what your feeling is ok. Someone once said to me 'acceptance is your path to freedom' i say this to myself everyday when my grief starts to creep in and i sooo wish things were different but there not. There are circumstances that are out of our control, the only thing i can control is the way i react or feel towards them. Whilst i still grieve I always feel better once i take a deep breathe and accept that things are what they are.
That may sound cryptic at the moment but believe me when your ready it will help you both.
Although i have never met you I think of you everyday and I'm praying for you both.
please Keep writing
love Natalie